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COPYRIGHT deposit: 




THE AUTHOE 



(Forty-five Selections.) 



Forty-Five Selections 

From the Original Descriptive, Dramatic, 
Patriotic, Pathetic, Humorous and Dialect 

Poems of 

CHARLES MAC GUINNESS 

Soldier, Actor, Poet. 



Forty Years' Experience as an Actor, 

Entertainer and Poet. Acknowledged 

by Press and Public as the Most 

Versatile Artist Before the Public. 



Daily newspapers have many times styled him: 

^'Inimitable Laugh Maker," "Man ivith a Hundred 

Faces," "One-man Theatrical Company" 

"The Prince of Entertainers" 




BROADWAY PUBLISHING CO. 

835 Broadway, New York 

BRANCH OFFICES: WASHINGTON, BALTIMORE 

INOLANAPOLIS. NORFOLK, DES MOINES. IOWA 



^5^?'?'" 



?^>^ 
>'^> 



Copyright, 191 i, 

By 

Broadway Publishing Company 



©CI.A3()3600 



CONTENTS 

PAGE 

Preface v 

Soldier . .1 , i 

Actor 3 

Poet 7 

My Darling Little lone 9 

The Suicide 11 

"Keep Off Der Grass" 12 

The White Man's Curse 13 

Uncle Josh at the City Church 19 

The Soldier's Last Camping Ground ....,.., 24 

A Dutchman's Plea for Divorce 25 

The Spring 30 

My Sweetheart of Long Ago ., 31 

A Fisherman's Story 1 33 

Acrostic 35 

"I'm Worse Than Those Who Talk About 

Me" 35 

A Matrimonial Problem , 39 

Bould Corporal Gunn .< 39 

The "Fool Period of Life" ,. ., 42 

The Honeymoon 44 

America's Shore > 1. . . . 45 

A Crazy Quilt of Modern Plays 46 

"War Is Hell" 49 

He Kissed Her on the Balcony 52 

Iz Marriage a Failure? i. ., .1. ., 53 

Q— een of Q— incy 55 

iii 



Contenw 



PAGE 

Adam Damm of Yuba Dam — . . .,. 57 

What Is Love? 58 

My Mother Was My Sweetheart 60 

John Pitt's Tack 61 

Dramatic Pictures , ,...,. ... 62 

The Old Brass Cannon , 63 

Fish Went A-Niggerin' : 64 

Two Sides to a Story . ., ; 65 

The Drummer Boy 66 

The Two Extremes ^ , 68 

De Black Man's Bird'n / 69 

Blending the Blue and Gray , 70 

Dot Good Olt Pump , 71 

No Harm in a Glass of Whisky ..^ , 73 

"The Sword of the King" .../.'...; 74 

His Bible and His Pipe , 74 

My Bonnie Lass .......... 76 

The Planet Mars . ., yy 

Mixin' the Micks , 78 

''Remember the Maine" 79 

My Toast — Friendship , , 80 

Maud and Her Nanny Goat 82 

lone, Dot Leedle Tease 83 



iv 



PREFACE. 
Very Brief Sketch of an 'Active Life. 

Chas. M. Guinness is a native of Oswego, New 
York. His father, of Dublin, Ireland; and his 
mother, of Litchfield, Connecticut. His mother's 
father came from the highlands of Scotland. The 
subject of this sketch was an orphan boy at the 
early age of twelve. The five years following he 
worked on a farm during the summer and attended 
school during the winter months ; learning the 
cooper's trade in the meantime. He then started 
out for Illinois, afoot and alone. He was driver 
of a team on an Erie canal boat to Buffalo, where 
he procured steerage passage on a propellor bound 
for Chicago by way of lakes Erie, Huron and 
Michigan. He worked one month on a farm in 
Illinois and then enlisted as a volunteer soldier in 
the cavalry service. At the close of the war he was 
detached from his regiment and appointed telegram 
clerk for General G. M. Dodge, and accompanied 
the General on his trip across the plains to the 
northwest, where the Sioux and Cheyenne Indians 
were in active hostility; 3,000 miles in the saddle. 
When mustered out of military service he was ap- 
pointed an Inspector of Customs, Custom House, 
Chicago. He was next appointed assistant post- 
master at the new town of Cheyenne. Returning 

V 



Preface 



to Chicago, he was engaged as bookkeeper for one 
of the wholesale mercantile houses, and later trav- 
elled as representative of the same firm. He next 
embarked in business ''on his own hook"; the re- 
tail trade of cigars and tobacco; and at the same 
time became an active member of the newly or- 
ganized Chicago Dramatic Society. His stage work 
was highly commended by actors of the stock com- 
panies at the theatres and he adopted the theatrical 
profession. He was a member of the regular stock 
company at McVicker's Theatre at the time of the 
great conflagration in Chicago. As an actor and 
entertainer he has toured nearly every state of the 
Union and throughout the entire five Canadian 
provinces. He knows the country thoroughly, from 
the Atlantic to the Pacific; from the Gulf of St. 
Lawrence to the Gulf of Mexico. 

Extract from an editorial in the New York Clip- 
per, March 5, 1910: 

"A record to be proud of. This eminent enter- 
tainer, in his youthful career, earned the title of 
"Soldier-Poet" as orderly sergeant in the cavalry 
volunteers, by his original songs and poems. He 
has always continued the work of verse writing. 
The clever actor-manager-entertainer early in his 
career determined to make a record in profession- 
ally visiting the greatest number of places, and he 
certainly accomplished the task, standing alone and 
in a class by himself. It remains for others in the 
business to show a similar result if they can. He 
can show records of towns he has played and en- 

vi 



Preface 



tertained to the prodigious number of 2346. As in- 
teresting data to brother players, such a record 
should surely be awarded cordial publicity and con- 
gratulation. Of course, it has taken many years 
to accomplish this; so long ago as 1891 the Clipper 
recorded the news that Chas. M. Guinness had not 
closed his season since 1871 to that date, and had 
appeared in 1538 cities and towns. He then dis- 
continued management of his company on the road, 
after having piloted it through various vicissitudes 
and successes for twenty years, summer and winter. 
Since that time he has been engaged in monologue 
work, in which he has ever been successful, and 
that, added to his other professional work, gives 
him an aggregate of 40 years before the public." 

The president of the Phrenological Society, 
Washington, D. C, in the presence of a large audi- 
ence, said : "This gentleman is a phenomenon. His 
versatility is most remarkable. He would make a 
very eminent lawyer or a very popular minister. 
He can influence men. He fears no man !" 

Dr. Fowler, the world renowned phrenologist, 
said : ''One of the best heads that comes under my 
hand — strong language, but true !" 



vu 



Forty-Five Selections 



CHAS. M. GUINNESS. 



SOLDIER 

Very Brief Extracts from Letters of Recommenda- 
tion. 

Headquarters U. S. Forces, Kansas and the Terri- 
tories, Fort Leavenworth, November 25, 1865. 

An excellent soldier. He accompanied me during 
my trip on the Plains. 

G. M. DODGE, Major General. 

A most faithful soldier and exemplary young man. 

J. F. BENNETT, 
Captain and A. A. General. 



JFottp^iFrte g)election0 



I take great pleasure in bearing testimony as to his 
soldierly qualifications. J. W. BARNES, 

Major and Asst. Adjt. General. 

I cheerfully testify as to his merit as a man and 
soldier. EDWARD JONAS, 

Capt. and A. D. C. 

I cheerfully add my testimony as to his character 
and qualifications. 

SAM E. MACKEY, 
Capt. and A. A.A. General. 

I fully concur in the recommendations, 

J. N. McELROY, 
Major and J. A.— U. S. Vols. 

His regiment is ordered mustered out of service, 
and I take great pleasure in heartily and cheer- 
fully bearing witness as to his soldierly qualifi- 
cations. GEO. E. FORD, 

Capt. and A. D. C. 



Paris, France, Oct. 4, 1890. 
Chas. M. Guinness, St. Louis, Mo., U. S. A. 

Dear Sir: — Yours of 13th of Sept. reached me 
here. I am glad to hear from you. Wherever I 
go I find our soldiers, and it is a great gratification 
to me that they remember me kindly. Thanking 
you for your letter, I am truly, G. M. DODGE. 

2 



JFortp^jfiUe SeIection0 



ACTOR 

Brief Extracts from Notices of Metropolitan News- 
papers 

The delight of his patrons. — New York World, 
May 3, 1887. 

We never laughed so much. — Key West, Fla., Key 
of the Gulf, March i, 1887. 

The funniest of all. — New Orleans Times, Oct 12, 
1889. 

A pure, clean and refined entertainment. — Atlanta, 
Ga., Constitution, March 10, 1889. 

He made many friends. — Sheffield, Ala., Daily En- 
terprise, June 17, 1890. 

He has a record to be proud of. — New York Clip- 
per, May 9, 1891. 

A true artist. — St. Louis, Mo., Daily Globe, Dec. 25, 
1872. 

Accomplished in his profession. — Chicago Daily 
Journal, Feb. 20, 1873. 

His versatility is wonderful. — Washington Demo- 
crat, Jan. 3, 1874. 

During the thrilling passages he held his audience 
breathless. — Alton Daily Telegraph, Sept. 20, 

1875- 
Far above the average. — Cincinnati Commercial, 
Oct. I, 1878. 



Jfottg'jFitie S)eIection0 



Kept the audience full of laughter. — Moncton, New 

Brunswick, Times, July 9, 1880. 
He well sustained his reputation. — Sidney, Cape 

Breton, Express, July 12, 188 1. ■ 

Equalled by few, excelled by none. — Yarmouth, 

Nova Scotia, Tribune, April 28, 1882. 
A constant roar of laughter. — Charlottetown, P. E. 

I., Examiner, June, 1880. 
He provoked much laughter. — Montreal, P. Q., 

Herald, July 15, 1882. 
He was immense. — Quebec, P. Q., Telegraph, June 

21, 1882. 
Never did we see a more decided hit. — Dover, Dela- 
ware, State Sentinel. March 31, 1883. 
He is exceedingly popular. — Pittsburg, Pa., Leader, 

Jan. I, 1884. 
An actor of strong dramatic ability. — Knoxville, 

Tenn., Sentinel, Dec. 6, 1888. 
A gentleman in every sense of the word. — Paris, 

Ky., Advertiser, Feb. 23, 1884. 
The *'Hawk Eye" knows him. There's a good time 

coming. — Burlington, Iowa, Hawk Eye, June, 

Certainly above the average. — Ft. Atkinson, Wis., 
Herald, June 22, 1871. 

Mr. Guinness is excellent. — Streator, 111., Monitor, 
December 14, 1871. 

An actor of the old school. He has pursued a ca- 
reer to be proud of. — Cincinnati Enquirer, 
Sept. 24, 1899. 

An artist and a gentleman. — San Diego, Calif., Sun, 
Aug., 1909. 

4 



JFortg'iFitie §)eIectiottS 



He made a big hit and caused much laughter. — 
Lake Charles, La., Press, Oct. ii, 1907. i 

He made a most favorable impression. — ^Dallas, 
Texas, News, Jan., 1906. 

His work is out of the ordinary and is first-class. — 
Phoenix, Ariz., Republican, Aug., 1908. 

He has no peer as an entertainer. — Charlotte, N. C, 
Observer, March, 1887. 

Excited the risibles of the most staid persons. — An- 
napolis, Md., Capitol, April 2^, 1887. 

Constant laughter and applause. — Richmond, Va., 
Times, April 12, 1887. 

Wonderful dramatic power. — Gorham, N. H., 
Mountaineer, Aug. i, 1884. 

Abundant laughter. — St. Albans, Vt., Messenger, 
July 5, 1884. 

Uproarious laughter. Come again. — South Carolina 
News, Nov. 8, 1888. 

Well known for many years, both as actor and man- 
ager. — Brooklyn Journal, May 9, 1887. 

The audience laughed continually. — Savannah, Ga., 
News, March, 1887. 

He interprets everything from the tragic to the gro- 
tesque with a master skill. — Ashland, Wis., 
Daily Press, July 16, 1892. 

He is exceedingly funny. — Newark, N. J., News, 
June 7, 1887. 

The performance was a very clever one. — New 
York Clipper, Jan. 12, 1884. 

This gentleman is a whole troupe himself — ^Detroit 
Courier, Jan. 18, 1896. 



JFottg^^jfitie S)electiott0 



Go and laugh to your heart's content. — Jacksonville, 

Fla., Times-Union, March i8, 1887. 
He rendered original studies of unusual excellence. 

— Leavenworth, Kansas, Times, September 26, 

1903. 
He called forth loud applause. — Florence, Ala., Her- 
ald, June, 1890. 
New and novel entertainment of a high order.—* 

Fort Wayne, Ind., Journal, Dec, 1897. 
Extraordinary powers as an entertainer. — Detroit 

Press, Jan. 11, 1896. 
He might easily travel as the one-man theatrical 

company. — Quincy Herald, Feb. 20, 1902. 
He delighted several hundred people last night. — 

Mineral Wells, Texas, Health Resort, June 30, 

1905. 

Early in his career Guinness determined to 
make a record in professionally visiting the great- 
est number of places, and he certainly accomplished 
the task, standing alone and in a class by himself. 
He can show records of towns he has played and 
entertained, to the prodigious number of 2,346. As 
interesting data to brother players, such a record 
should surely be awarded cordial publicity and con- 
gratulation. 

Of course, it has taken many years to accom- 
plish this, and the clever actor-manager-entertainer 
is no longer a young man. So long ago as 1891, 
The Clipper recorded the news that Charles Guin- 
ness had not closed his season since 1871 to that 
date, and during that time had appeared in 1538 
cities and towns. He then discontinued manage- 

6 



JFottP'Jfitoe @)election0 



ment of his company on the road, after having pi- 
loted it through various vicissitudes and successes 
for tv^enty years, summer and winter. Since that 
time Guinness has been engaged in monologue work, 
in which he has ever been successful, and that, 
added to his other professional work, gives him an 
aggregate of forty years before the public. — New 
York Clipper, March 5. 19 10. 



POET 

Mr. Guinness has hundreds of letters from 
prominent critics, highly eulogizing his originality 
and great versatility as a poet and entertainer. — A 
very few names are given below : 

Rev. A. C. Dixon, Pastor Baptist Church, New 
York. 

Rev. Campbell Fair, D. D. ; Rector St. Mark's 
church. 

Rev. T. C. Reade, D. D.; President Taylor 
University. 

E. P. Jones, Mgr. Manhattan Lyceum Bureau. 

Albert J. Borie, Mgr. Frank Queen Publishing 
Company. 

A. W. Themanson, Sec'y Kansas Chautauqua. 

S. M. Spedon, Editor N. Y. Monthly Talent. 

C. A. McGrew, l^ditor San Diego, Cal., Sun. 

Prof. J. M. ClarK, President Bay View College. 

Prof. Boucher, Indiana Normal College. 

Many more names might be added to the above 
list. 




(Forty-tive Selections ) 



Forty-Five Selections 



MY DARLING LITTLE lONE. 

No stranger am I to good fortune — 
Tho' but little to fame I am known — 
Wealth is mine beyond measure ; 
I've God's choicest treasure; 
A "pearl of great price," named lone. 



If true that the earth is "God's Footstool/' 

'Tis true, then, 'tis near to His throne; 

A heavenly earth 

Since the hour it gave birth 

To an angel, sweet little lone. 



And the earth has since seemed to look fairer; 

The sun and stars brighter have shone; 

More fragrant the flowers, 

And my happiest hours 

Are those passed with little lone. 



Her hair is a bright golden color ; 

Dark brown are her eyes, like my own; 

Ne'er was there a sweet creature. 

In form or in feature, 

More perfect than darling lone. 

9 



iFortg'JfitJe Sielections! 



Merrily singing and laughing, 

Like a sprightly elf wand'ring alone; 

She is here, she is there, 

She is everywhere, 

Like a cricket — my merry lone. 

She daintily plays the piano. 

With fingertips sounding each tone; 

Turns the leaves of the books 

One by one as she looks 

At the music, my songbird lone. 

And ev'ry day over the carpet 

Her "playthings" are scattered and strewn; 

And often she's found 

There asleep, snug and sound — 

My innocent, little lone. 

With open-eyed wonder she listens 
To Central's "hello" at the 'phone- 
Prints her kisses on all 
Faces framed on the wall — 
"Kiss the baby," lisps little lone. 

The fleeting years swiftly are passing; 

Soon to womanhood she will be grown; 

May her name — near and far — 

Be as fair as a star; 

May the world love and honor lone. 

When I'm called away and my spirit 
To some other planet has flown; 
10 



jFottp^jFiue ©electionie; 



'Twill then be my prayer 

Fate and fortune will care 

For and smile on my darling lone. 

O'er my tomb I would wish this inscription 

Engraved' on a tablet of stone — 

"If spirits e'er wait 

At Eternity's gate, 

There I'll watch, there I'll wait for lone." 



THE SUICIDE. 

*Tis midnight — all is quiet — 

Hark! From the old church tower 

The clock now breaks the silence 
And slowly strikes the hour. 

A maiden it awakens — 

She steals forth from her bed 

And hastens to the side-board 
With stealth and noiseless tread! 

She searches for the match-safe 
And quickly lights the gas; 

The liquid from a phial 
She pours into a glass ! 

She hesitates ! She shudders ! 

Does her courage now recoil? 
No! See! The deed's accomplished — ■ 

She took the castor oil! 

II 



4fDttp*Jfit)e ©elections 



"KEEP OFF DER GRASS." 

Mine gootness, mine gracious! I laugh mit mine 
moud 

Ef ery dime dot der door oud I pass ; 
Und dwice in a vile I vas shmile me oud loud 

Ven I see dot signs, ''Keep off der grass." 

"Dot peautiful shnow" shpill all oud on der ground, 
Und you freeze tryin' to thaw oud der gas; 

Your breath got frost bited, your viskers ice-bound 
Bud der signs tole you "Keep off der grass." 

Froze down vas der mometer, zero froze up; 

Und der ice vas so clear like some glass ; 
Dot goot lookin' shnow bud vun ting id shows up, 

Dot's dem signs wot read "Keep off der grass." 

On der 4th oph Junewyear's dot sign was all right, 
Bud I dink o;i der eve oph Chris'mass 

'Boud der lonesomest lookin' oph all dings in sight 
Vas der sign wot say "Keep off der grass." 

Keep off der grass! Veil, I yust want to say 

Dot I don'd vas pelong to dot class ! 
Keep id on — der year 'round — to-morrow, to-day 

Und yesterday keep on der grass \ 
12 



jFottP'jfiue ©election0 



How I lofe on der lawn in varm summer to blay 
Mit dot schveed leedle curly head lass; 

Cold vinter, Ach! he dook dose bleasure avay! 
He dook off und keep off der grass. 

He send dot "Yack Frost" here der grass off to 
keep; 

Den "Yack" 'boud Septober he pring 
His ice sickles 'round, und der grass off he reap. 

Yah, und keep id off, too, till der shpring. 



THE WHITE MAN'S CURSE. 

How d'ye do, stranger; just turn your horse loose; 

Let him graze 'round the place for a while! 
Warm weather for traveling — hot as the deuce — 

And I guess you've rode many a mile. 

Yes, lay off your coat, hang it on a limb there; 

You'll get a cool drink from that spring — 
There, now rest a bit in the old rustic chair 

And fan yourself, sir, with this wing. 

Yes, living alone here — a hermit's life, sure — 

And a lonely place, too, as you say; 
A place you, no doubt, would find hard to endure — ■ 

Nearest neighbor gome four miles away. 

13 



jFottp^jFitje ©elections 



And yet, sir, to me it's the dearest old place 
In the length and the breadth of our land ; 

And I s'pose I'll stay here till the end of the race — 
Till I've run out life's last grain of sand. 

You think it quite strange that a man of sound mind 
A resolve such as that should impart ; 

To live here alone, far away from mankind, 
With a broken — a desolate heart ! 

If you could look o'er my past ill-fated life 
You v^ould then understand me, I think ; 

*Twas mankind that robbed me of child and of 
wife — 
'Twas the civilized curse, called "drink!" 

Tell you the story ? Well, stranger, I will ; 

Your face has a look that is kind — 
And sympathy, real and sincere, does no ill 

To a sorrowful, grief-stricken mind. 

Ten years have passed since I left the far East 
And came here, sir, to locate a home — 

Here, in the West, where the fierce prowling beast 
And the wild aborigines roam. 

I'd naught but my wife and our sweet little girl — 

A child we loved dearer than life — 
Blue eyes and her hair had a natural curl 

Like that of my own darling wife. 

Why, even the Indians worship'd that child ; 
They'd come here from near and from far; 

14 



JFottp^Jfibe @election0 



Those sons of the forest, so savage and wild ; 
They loved her, and called her "Bright Star!" 

And here to my cabin their trinkets they'd bring — 
Made of feathers, of barks, and of furs — 

Just to see her bright eyes and to list while she'd 
sing; ^ 
And no voice, sir, was sweeter than hers ! 

Our home, tho' so humble, was one of content; 

We'd talk of the bright future days — 
But the civilized white man, on deviltry bent, 

Changed the Indians' neighborly ways! 

Free country — and civilized devils may come 
And our bright, happy dreams dispel ; 

Turn friends into fiends with their damnable rum, 
And a heaven turn into a hell ! 

We were sitting out here in the moonlight one 
night — 

At the close of a midsummer's day — 
A slow, smothered fire I'd built there to the right, 

Just to drive the mosquitos away. 

A white and a red man came staggering by 

And demanded a supper for both; 
He would pay me he said with a bottle of rye — 

And the white man spit out a foul oath! 

I grappled the vile, drunken wretch by the throat, 
Pitched him headlong down into the creek; 

IS 



Jfortg'jfiDe Selections 



Then, turning, the face of the redskin I smote 
And then I was ready to speak! 

"Go, and profit," said I, **by the lesson I've given; 

Never come again, drunk, to my door; 
If you do, just as true as our God is in heaven, 

For you there is worse still in store !" 

He then skulked away — the contemptible cur — 
With the dupe he'd made drunk and insane ; 

But I knew by his look and his threatenings, sir, 
Reproof, with such brutes, was in vain. 

In the middle of that very night I awoke 
With a start I could not understand ; 

The cry of a screech-owl in yonder red oalc 
Seemed to warn me of evil at hand. 

I dressed, and strolled leisurely 'long down the path, 
With my rifle swung on my right arm ; 

A far-distant thunder storm muttered its wrath. 
As tho' sounding a midnight alarm ! 

I walked thro' the clearing, paused there at the 
wood 

And listened, then turned to retire ; 
When transfixed with horror a moment I stood — 

My cabin — My God ! 'twas afire ! 

I rushed up the path, and on reaching the spot, 
I with one blow the cabin door broke; 

My wife was just lifting our child from its cot; 
Both were choking and strangling with smoke ! 
i6 



Jfortg^jfitie ^electton0 



I carried their precious forms out to the spring, 
Where the light from the bright flames was 
spread ; 

A flash! and I heard bullets whistle and sing. 
And — my wife and my child — fell dead ! 

Seizing my rifle, as fleet as a deer 

To the thicket I flew like a dart; 
The moon — God bless it ! just then came out clear. 

And the redskin dropped — shot thro' the heart! 

Forward I leaped and with tiger-like grasp 
Held the white devil's throat in my clutch ; 

"Mercy!" — he whined, as he'd struggle and gasp — 
"Such as you?" I shrieked, "No! not for such!" 

I dragged the vile miscreant back to this spot, 
"Assassin!" I cried, "You coward! look there; 

And before you're hurled into that furnace red hot, 
Beg forgiveness of God — breathe a prayer!" 

Turning my face toward my wife and my child, 
I listened — I called out their names — 

No answer — I then with a cry that was wild, 
Threw the murderer into the flames! 

That instant the skies seemed by thunderbolts riven I 
Like a stroke of God's vengeance it fell! 

My loved ones were borne by the angels to Heaven ; 
That foul fiend was writhing in hell! 

Alone with my thoughts I watched over my dead; 
Alojae I knelt there at their side; 

I? 



jfortp^iFitie @election0 



Alone in the world — heart heavy as lead — 
All alone! like a child, sir, I cried! 

The night, draped with clouds, was their shroud and 
their pall; 

And as tho' in sympathetic relief. 
The heavens then gently its raindrops let fall — 

God's tears shed o'er me and my grief ! 

Over there, sir, you see, are two moss-covered 
mounds ; 
With tears they are moistened each day ; 
Now you know why I've naught but my rifle and 
hounds ; 
Why I'm here — why my hair is so gray ! 

Cruel ? Aye, stranger, but such is my fate ; 

We are creatures of mere circumstance ; 
Surrounded by treachery, envy and hate ; 

Love and loyalty stand a slim chance ! 

**Noble red man" — he's called — Well, the Indian's 

wild, 
' And he may not be civilized quite; 
But a red man's more noble that loves a sweet child, 
Than a low, drunken, devilish white! 

A rum-drinking white man has reached ruin's brink, 

But he sinks to a still lower level 
When leading the red man to crime and to drink! 

He's then down to the plane of the devil ! 
i8 



Jfottg'jTitje Selections! 



UNCLE JOSH AT THE CITY CHURCH. 

Las' Sunday I done somethin' 

Th't I never done afore; 

'N' I guess, b'gosh, 

Y'ur Uncle Josh 

Won't do th' same some more! 

Not one of our big fam'ly 

Ever went t' church in town ; 

So me 'n' Seth 

'N' 'Lizabeth 

Jes' thought th't we'd drive down. 

So Seth he hitch'd up Nancy 

Side o' that wild colt o' his; 

'N' with lunch t' eat, 

All on one seat 

Sot me 'n' Seth 'n' Liz. 

'N* jes' outside the city, sir, 

A 'lectric car we met ; 

That colt 'n' Nance 

Commenced t' prance 

'N' they jumped twelve feet, I bet I 

They kicked the dashboard off, b'gosh ; 
Scaret Liz a'most t' death ! ^ 

19 



jfottg*4fil3e S)electipni8; 



She holler'd "Whoa!" 

Seth let 'm go 

'N' they run till out o' breath! 

We reached the meetin' house, at last, 

Sez I— "Folks, ain't that grand?" 

"That's what it is"— 

Sez Seth 'n' Liz — 

"Th' grandest in the land!" 

Must a took two years t' build ; 

Not less, a single minute; 

It leaves our church 

Way in th' lurch, 

'W th' old school house "ain't in it!" 

Th' church bell it's a monster, sir ! 
Could hear it more'n a mile — 
Th' big high steeple — 
Jes' like th' people — 
Wuz all decked out in style. 

'N' runnin' t' th' top of it 

They had a lightnin' rod — < 

They wouldn't trust the 

'Lectricity 

'N' didn't trust in God! 

Women wore thirty dollar hats 
T' worship Providence; 
I s'pose they thought 
Th' hats we'd bought 
Looked 'bout like thirty cents! 
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Folks turned their eyes down to'ard us 
'N* then turned up their nose ; 
They'd take one look 
'T their new hymn-book, 
Two looks 't their new clothes. 

Clothes covers — same as Charity — 

"A multitude o' sin;" 

Inside at last 

The Pharisees passed 

Then we Publicans marched in. 

We took seats near th' pulpit 

F'r t' git a closer view; 

Up jumped a man, 

Sed— "Understand, 

This 'ere's my rented pew!" 

He p'inted to some back seats 

Th't I s'pose they couldn't rent — 

"Go 'way back and 

Set down," or stand — 

I guess that's what he meant. 

We took th' hint 'n' went back 

Near t' where we wuz afore ; 

Sez Liz t' me, 

"Now, Josh, maybe 

This 'ere's a rented door!" 

Th' parson prayed, 'n' th' organ then 
Set up 'n' awful roar; 

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'N' while 'twould play, 

Th' singers they 

Sung ''Stranger at the Door.'* 

When th' music quit th' deacons riz 

'N' passed th' hat aroun' ; 

Th' parson, next, 

Give out his text, 

'N' then folks settled down. 

'N' hour 'n' eighty minutes he preached. 

About th' fold 'n' sheep; 

Th' women 'u'd wink 

'N' nod 'n' blink, 

'N' th' men wuz fast asleep ! 

'N' one gal sed t' t'other — 

"You seen my feller, Lize?" 

'N' then began, 

Behind her fan, 

T' make them "goo-goo eyes." 

She held her hymn-book up t' show 

Th't she wuz in "the swim;" 

But didn't look 

Inside th' book 

When she looked to find th' "him." 

Then t'other gal spied 'Lizabeth, 

'N' whispered very loud — 

"Jes' look at that 

Old woman's hat, 

I bet she thinks she's proud!" 

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If the angels wuz a lookin' then, 

They must a smiled, I guess; 

'N' I believe 

Laughed in their sleeve ; 

I did, I must confess. 

No one c'n serve two masters 
'N' keep things smooth 'n' level — 
Can't, with one hand 
Hold on t' God and 
T'other give th' devil! 

Might's well say — Lord I send my soul; 

Jes' lay it on th' shelf; 

'N' when I'm done 

A havin' fun 

Then I'll come up myself. 

I couldn't poss-bly keep awake 
Th' sermon wuz so dry; 
Seth sed I snored 
Worse 'n' organ roared, 
*N' made th' babies cry! 

I dreamt th' colt 'n' Nance got scaret 

Ag'in 'n' run away, 

'N' th' wagon broke — 

Then I awoke, 

F'r the organ begin t' play. 

I had both arms 'round 'Lizabeth 
'N' shoutin' "Whoa, Nance, whoa! 

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Jerus'lem! Seth, 

She'll kick us t' death ! 

Cut 'er breechin' 'n' let 'er go !" 



THE SOLDIER'S LAST CAMPING GROUND. 

Sound the bugle call — **Taps" — muffled roll of the 

drum; 
O'er the old vet'ran's grave, o'er his flower bedeck'd 

mound 
On the sward where in lifetime so oft he would 

roam. 

'Tis the six feet of earth to which comrades all 

come ; 
Tis the soldier's last rest on the last camping 

ground ; 
'Tis the long, long sleep 'neath the sod and the 

loam. 

Sleep on, while in cherished remembrance with some 
Of earth's choicest garlands your tombstones are 

crown'd ; 
Mute sentries on guard 'neath the heaven's high 

dome! 

Tho' hush'd are your voices, your deeds are not 

dumb; 
Sleep peacefully on, in sweet slumber profound, 
'Till God's reveille rouses and welcomes you home ! 

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A DUTCHMAN'S PLEA FOR DIVORCE. 

Lawyer, make me dose bapers quick oud ; 

Der vorces I vant righd avay! 
Mine frau dalks doo much mid her moud; 

Al'money I vant her to bay. 

Her tongue id vas hung py der middle ; 

I dink she vas got double jaw! 
She dond let me shpeak yust a liddle — 

She's bad as mine mudder-in-law ! 

r bedt her tongue's made oph sole leadher; 

She dalks dirty hours ef'ry day; 
Und der furder dot we got togedder, 

Der nearer we got us avay ! 

I vas henshpecked, sir ; more as a blenty ; 

Mine frau she got noddings bud tongue ! 
She got tongue enough for 'boud dwenty — 

Got 'nough for dot olt Brigham Young! 

I vos read me der Bible to-day; 

'Boud Daniel vot shumped in der den 
Vere der big danderlions vas shtay ; 

Und he counded dem, 'lefen or ten. 

He dink dot his schance id vas shlim, 
Mid dose vild danderlions all 'roun'; 

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Bud der lions dond got schared oph him 
For dey yust go Vay pack und set down. 

Mine frau shtand py me on her feedt; 

Und I toldt her I dond undershtan' — 
Oph der Hons vant somedings to eadt 

Vy dey dond make deir preakfast oph Dan? 

Bud dot I make puddy quick oud, 
Und toldt her der cause und effec' — 

Dot Daniel he muzzle deir moud 

So der lions dond ead not a shpeck. 

She said I vas lyin' myselef ; 

I tolde her dot she vas anudder — 
Der Bible she shlam on der shelef 

Und go quick und call her olt mudder! 

Her mudder coom shlap me mine face ; 

Shtick mine head in der tub oph cold vater! 
She vished I vas in Daniel's blace 

Inshtead oph dis blace mit her daughter! 

I vas got so oxcided I say — 

Veil, I vish dot, py shiminy, too ! 
I schange blaces mit him to-day 

Oph Daniel vill coom lif mit you! 

I go dere und lif altogedder; 

Mit lions, limburger, und beer, 
Und I bedt I enchoy mine life bedder 

As mit you oldt vild cats vot's here ! 
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Bud vot you dink Daniel vould dell 

Oph I ax him to coom schange mit me ; 

He vould say, ''Vot? Go lif in dot— Veil 
I radher lif here vere I be!" 

I toldt dem 'boud Sampson — so shtoudt 
Dot he proke oop der lion's big jaw, 

Und I visht he yust coom proke der moudt 
Oph mine vife und mine mudder-in-law ! 

Py cracious! pefore I vas know id 
She run und pick oop a big shtone ; 

Bud ven she vas coom pack to trow id 
She findt herself dere all alone. 

She vill dook me away from mine life! 

So you toldt all der vorld vot I saidt; 
No vun drust me now for mine vife 

For I leaf me her poard urud pedshteadt ! 

She vanted some vater vun day 

Und she toldt me go headt out und poomp id ! 
Veil, nix cumarouse, den I say, 

Und oph you dondt like dot, you loomp id ! 

So hellup me cracious ! mine nose 

Dooble oop und shtrike her on der fisht? 

From der top oph mine headt to mine toes 
Nod a shpodt on mineselef she missht! 

She schoke me dill I vas got plue 

Und dill she vas got plack in der face ! 
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ifortg^jfitie Selections 



She shut off mine vindpipe off, too — 
Veil, I feldt I vas all oud oph blace. 

Den she kick in der shpine oph mine pack ; 

Bull oud mine hair oud mit her handts ! 
She gif me mine face sooch a shmack 

I dond know on vich endt mine headt shtandts ! 

She pudt vun oxistence, I bedt, 

To mine life oph I dondt gone avay; 

Dot's vy all der money's I gedt. 
To dose life 'surance beoples I bay. 

Der more I vas dink oph dot now, 
More I vant to dink less oph id, sir ; 

Und der more dot I dink of mine frau 
I dink dot I dink less oph her ! 

Der feerst dime dot efer I meedt her 

I lofe her pefore I vas knew id! 
I lofe so I t'ought I could eat her — 

Py cracious! I vish now I do id! 

I vas shtruck mit her puddy, shweet face ; 

Und vas shtruck mit her shmilin' dot day — • 
Bud a schange now vas shure dooken blace ; 

I got shtruck in a deeferent vay! 

She say I dondt know noddings, too ; 

Und bedder learn somedings py school I 
I saidt — Veil, dot's so ; I ledt you 

Marry me und I vas a big fool ! 
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She kick me den mit her dwo feedt ; 

Und her shoes vas der noomber lO size; 
She kick me 'vay oud on der shtreet 

Righdt pefore me, mint; face und mine eyes! 

Und I now shpeak mitoudt a mishtaken, 
I felt puddy mooch den pud oudt ; 

Mine frau gif me shook — I vas shaken — 
I feldt avay down in der moudt! 

Dot reminds me oph someding else dot — 

I candt dink oxactly oph now — 
Candt remember dot vot I forgot — ■ 

Veil, vot iss dot tings, ony how? 

Yah, now I haf got id, dot's so ; 

Go headt und wride down vot I say; 
Dot I leaf me mine frau und I go 

Dwendy-sefen or eight miles avay! 

Und den ven I look pack und dink 

Dot she dondt godt some husbandt to shmack; 
I bedt id vill drife her do drink 

Oph I dondt coom right quick to her pack. 

Und ven she findt oud I vas deadt, 

She vill pring me pack home puddy quick 

Und vish she dondt say vot she saidt 
Und dot she vas make sooch a kick ! 

Und den on mine grafe shtone she wride — 
To show me her grief und her shame — 
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'Here lies der pest man vot vas died, 
Und his own gruel vife vas to plame! 

Yen she dies und cooms oop by der gate, 
St. Beter vill say to her face; 

Nix ; I dond't see your name on der shlate. 
Your dicket's for dot udder blace. 



THE SPRING. 



I'm not a spring poet 
Exactly, altho' it 

Is true in all seasons I sing; 
Spring poets — like flowers, 
Birds, sunshine and showers — 

Return with the advent of spring. 

For the first time my lays 
I now add to the craze 

Which the year's early months ever bring 
I will give, in my views — 
With the aid of the muse — 

An original ode on the spring. 

'Tis earth's choicest treasure, 
Affords naught but pleasure. 

To mankind it ne'er gave a sting 
Or a pang distressing — 
^'Tis God's gift and blessing — 

The clear flowing water — the spring! 

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MY SWEETHEART OF LONG AGO. 

I've come, at last, dear sweetheart, 

I've come with head bow'd low ; 
I've brought earth's choicest flowers 

Here o'er your grave to strew ; 
And on the mound I've planted 

Forget-me-nots, while with flow 
Of tears their roots I moisten'd — 

Tears kept since long ago. 

Aye, long ago, my sweetheart, 

For two-score years, you know. 
Have pass'd since your flight heavenward 

Left me alone below; 
Alone with my darling sister. 

To whom so much I owe 
For kind words so oft spoken 

Of you since the long ago. 

Think, now, of our first meeting — 

Fourteen was my age, you know — ■ 
We met while picking berries 

Beneath the sunbeam's glow; 
We met, yes, loved each other. 

You met your ideal beau 
And I my chosen sweetheart 

Two-score years ago. 

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Think of the verdant pasture 

Where the lambs skipp'd to and fro; 
The clear spring near the cedars 

Where I trapp'd woodchuck and crow ; 
Our strolls to the flowing river — 

The dear old Oswego — 
Ah! we were happy, sweetheart, 

In that long, long ago. 

The meadow where the clover 

With scythe I used to mow; 
The fields I would plow and harrow 

And then with grain would sow; 
Think of the orchard — the garden, 

Where with rake and hoe 
I'd work and sing, and think of you 

In that sweet long ago. 

The trees on which the butternuts 

So plentiful would grow ; 
And how the squirrel scolded 

When my hat at him Fd throw; 
Remember, too, our watching 

The flight of the thistle-blow 
Upward, like shining angels — 

Like your flight long ago. 

We'd laugh with the laughing brooklet, 
And follow its winding flow 

Down thro' the marsh and woodland 
To the lake, on which we'd row, 

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Gathering water lilies, 

White, and as pure as snow — > 
Pure, like my young- sweetheart 

Of that long, long ago. 

We loved the books of poets — 

Tho' our favorite was Poe — 
And when we'd read 'The Raven" 

Our hearts would pity his woe. 
And his sorrow for "lost Lenore," 

The maiden he loved so — 
As I loved and lost you, sweetheart, 

Two-score years ago. 

And o'er the earth Fve wander'd 

With pace both fast and slow ; 
Pass'd thro' the pain and pleasure 

Of this world's fleeting show — 
When call'd to leave this planet, 

I trust God will bestow 
On me a passport upward 

To my love of long ago. 



A FISHERMAN'S STORY. 

Always a-fishin' — folks thought 'twas no wonder, 
'Cause Cork was his name, 'n' they said th't no 
doubt 
*Stead o' pullin' th' fish out when cork would go 
under, 
He'd let fish go under 'n' pull th' cork out. 

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Cork'd go fishin', sir, even if thundei 

'N' lightnin' 'n' rain was a-playin' about; 

He knew fish'd bite 'n' th' cork'd go under ; 

Was jes' sartin sure th't he'd see cork come out. 

He'd take pole 'n' line 'n' a basket o' "plunder," 
Sich 's "corn juice," ale, 'n' Guinnesses' stout; 

He'd wait jes' five minutes t' see cork go under 
'N' then git impatient 'n' pull a cork out. 

"Fisherman's luck," sir ; or, p'raps 'twas a blunder ; 

Th' last time th't Cork fish'd he caught a big 
trout ; 
Tried to land it, but deeper th' cork'd go under — 

Dropp'd pole, in a rage, 'n' pull'd all th' corks out. 

Then he jerked th' pole, frantic'ly, snapped it 
asunder ; 
"Snakes" wildly he cried, with a shriek 'n' a 
shout. 
Had the tremens, I guess; he jump'd in 'n' went 
under — 
Drowned, sir, 'n' he'll see no more corks come 
out. 

His wife — poor woman — news so shock'd *n' 
stunn'd her 

She went to her grave by th' short insane route — 
There's pleasure, sir, fishin', 'n' see corks go under; 

There's trouble when too many corks come out. 

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JFortP'JFitie S)electfon0 



ACROSTIC. 

Northward to British provincial domain ; 
Eastward to Empires — from England to Spain; 
Westward to realms of the Orient, 
You're welcom'd on every continent — 
"Old Reliable"— true to the name ; 
Royalty e'en might well envy your fame ; 
Kings we forget — pomp, splendor and sheen — 
Constant our cherish'd remembrance of Queen; 
Long may the good work continue which he 
Instituted in year of eighteen fifty three; 
Pioneer journal of all news dramatic ; 
Pursuing the straightforward course, not erratic; 
Equity guides you and ever you're true, 
Reliable, loyal to old friends and new. 



"FM WORSE THAN THOSE WHO TALK 
ABOUT ME." 

The words were spoken, neighbor, by a friend some 

years ago — 
'Twas his reply to vicious thrusts of a base and slan- 

d'rous foe — 
A brainy man ; he'd weigh a thought, then fearlessly 

express it; 

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His meaning he'd make understood and no one had 
to guess it — 

He'd criticise impartially, tho', whether pro or con, 

But of course some whom the coat would fit de- 
clined to put it on 

And skulked away like cowards and with slander 
tried to rout him — 

He smiled and said that he was worse than those 
who talked about him. 

He scorned a pious hypocrite ; he did not preach and 

pray, 
But he did his "alms in secret," in God's own ap- 
pointed way — 
He loved the Great Creator and His wrath he did 

not fear; 
He loved and studied His great worlds seen from 

this earthly sphere; 
He'd forgotten more than ever his calumniators 

knew 
And that was why their envy they could not, would 

not subdue; 
But ''barking dogs don't bite," and when the curs 

they tried to rout him 
He laughed and said guess'd he was worse than 

those who talked about him. 

You've noticed, neighbor, a serpent when it happens 

your path to pass. 
Will stop and show its forky tongue, then crawl off 

'neath the grass; 

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When human snakes discover they can neither rule 

nor use you, 
They'll sneak away and with pois'nous tongue and 

calumny abuse you — 
They've souls so small they'd rattle in the quill of a 

humming-bird ; 
So small they'll not awaken when the judgment 

trump is heard, 
Or, if they do, the slanderers will have no chance 

to doubt him 
When St. Peter tells them he's no room for those 

who'll talk about him ! 

Why don't folks mind their business? Well, good 

neighbor, you will find 
That they've not only got no business, but such 

folks have got no mind — 
*'01d Satan finds some mischief still for idle hands 

to do;" 
I tell you, neighbor, that old saying's one that's 

mighty true — 
Scandal-mongers Satan keeps in mischief every 

minute ; 
You'll find them on the outside of the church, and 

sometimes in it; 
The giant's envied by the dwarf, with sneers 'twill 

scoff and scout him. 
But the giant treats with silent scorn the imp that 

talks about him. 

A husband or a wife is best known by the family, I 
think ; 

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A soldier knows his comrade, from the same can- 
teen they drink; 

And yet until he's tried you can't tell what a man 
will do; 

Temptation, sir — that crucial test — will prove him 
false or true ! 

The bank cashier absconds, you know, and takes the 
"widow's mite;" 

The preacher "falls from grace" and with a siren 
takes his flight 

And leaves his home and family to struggle on with- 
out him; 

And the "saint" who's ne'er been tempted is the 
first to talk about him. 

"Man's inhumanity to man is what makes countless 

thousands mourn ;" 
Oft the burden of the guilty by the innocent is 

borne ; 
Envy will no evil do while the envious thought's 

unheard, 
But no man can — nor God himself — recall the care- 
less word! 
Faith and Hope and Charity, sir, the Christian's 

creed should be, 
And Scripture says "the greatest of them all is 

charity" — 
The man whose house is glass and yet throws stone 

'round and about him, 
Is the devil's special agent, hell would be bankrupt 

without him! 



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A MATRIMONIAL PROBLEM. 

If a man whose age is 40 weds a maid whose age is 

10; 
He'll be 4 times her age, as you'll observe, right 

there and then 
And when 5 years united they have been, you'll 

find that he 
Will then be but 3 times her age — to that you must 

agree — 
And 15 years still later — just figure the problem 

out 

He's only twice her age, 'tis strange, but true be- 
yond a doubt ; 
If, as a mathematician, you have won renown and 

fame. 
Their ages, if you will, please tell me when they'll 

be the same! 



BOULD CORPORAL GUNN. 

[To Comrade Henry P. Gunn.] 

Did you ever hear, boys, o' bould Company L, 
In the battles they miss'd how they fought an' they 
fell? 

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Shure in L 'twas "Ould Nick," was the captain o' 

fun, 
His leftenant was Corporal Henery Gunn. 

In the regiment every comp'ny was tough, 
But the toughest was L, 'twas "ready and rough." 
For excitement an' noise they'd lave nothin' undone. 
The ring-leader w^as rollickin' Corporal Gunn. 

Five nine in his shtockins shtood Corporal ''Hank ;" 
Moind ye he was no ''high private in the rear rank;" 
Responsibilities weighin' a ton 
Laid on the broad shoulders o' Corporal Gunn. 

D'ye moind the last raid o' "Pap" Price? Shure we 

thin 
Captured Marmaduke, Cabell and 5000 min — 
The "Johnnies" surrendered to brave Pleasanton 
For they were surrounded by Corporal Gunn. 

One day he w^int milkin' an' fiU'd his canteen, 
Whin chargin' with pitchfork the farmer was seen; 
Hank left the cow shtandin' an' made a "Bull's 

Run"— 
'Twas a bully "home run" made by Corporal Gunn. 

A "razor-back" pig with a sabre he slew, 

An' what d'ye think, they charged him for two ! 

They shwore that himself shlautered two 'shtead o' 

one. 
Pig killed by a sabre — pig killed by a Gunn. 

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He bought a fat sheep — not a cint could he pay, 
So he wrote out an order on Company A ; 
But the farmer he shwore he'd not go there to dun, 
Whin they tould him in L he'd find Corporal Gunn. 

A "Son o' Momus," he was — shure fun was his 

diet— 
"Son o' Temperance, too" — of course he'll deny it— 
One of three sons of his grandmother's son, 
A son of his father, a son of a Gunn. 

Whin Gunn wint off, all the rebels to kill. 

His girl was near drown'd in the tears she did shpill ; 

Whin Gunn was discharged, thin the "shplicin" was 

done — 
No, sor, not single now ; double-barrel'd is Gunn. 

His home's call'd "the camp" ; his young corporals 

play 
Thot they're fightin' sham cavalry battles each day ; 
"Hank" calls thim all "sojer boys" — daughter or 

son — 
Calls their laughter an' shouts the "report of a 

Gunn." 

The "cavalry sojers" sound daylight's alarms! 
An' "the infant-ry," murther! all night they're "in 

arms," 
An* "shtormin' the breastworks" — I'll bet tin to 

one 
No bugle calls "taps" now for Corporal Gunn ! 

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THE "FOOL PERIOD OF LIFE/* 

Th' *'seven ages o' man" ain't now considered up to 

date; 
Th' Yankees add an age t' make th' number an even 

eight — 
In William Shakespeare's day, perhaps, 'twas not 

th' general rule, 
But most men now pass thro' an age o' life th't's 

call'd "the fool !" 

So when y see a smart young man a lecturin' his 

dad; 
Er spendin' time a chasin' after some new-fangled 

fad; 
Don't wonder at the zigzag course th' youngster 

may pursue, 
It's the "fool period" of his life th't he's a passin* 

thro'. 

Perhaps he "falls in love at sight" with ev'ry lass he 
meets ; 

Or, maybe, stands 'n' poses at th' corners of th' 
streets ; 

In debt fer clothes he's standin' in 'n' patent leather 
shoe — 

Th' "dern fool period" of his life is what he's pass- 
in' thro'. 

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Perhaps he's one o' the auto fiends, endangerin' 

human lives; 
Or possibl}^ he's loiterin' around saloons 'n' dives — 
Some day he'll wish he'd listen'd when friends told 

him th't they knew 
'Twas the ''fool period" of his life th't he was 

passin' thro'. 

Thinks, perhaps, he'll be a preacher; thinks he'd 

then have easy times — 
An actor, or a poet — nothin' easier than rhymes — 
Constitutionally tired; thinks hard work he cannot 

do, 
But doesn't think it's the "fool period" of his life 

he's passin' thro'. 

He'll play a game o' football under th' rays of a 
scorchin' sun; 

'N' scratch 'n' bite 'n' kick 'n' fight 'n' call it sport 
'n' fun; 

Whoop like a wild Comanche 'n' look like a long- 
haired Sioux — 

Hooray! The "dern fool period" of his life he's 
now a passin' thro'. 

Young woman — sez he — why did you marry a man 

who is so old ? 
You surely did not love him; I suppose you loved 

his gold? 
Sez she — Young man, he's better than gold; he's 

noble, kind and true. 
And he's out of the "fool period," which, it seems, 

you're passin' thro'. 

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Love — like a colt — will balk when you you're wed- 
ded life commence, 

Unless love has that good 'n' true old running mate 
caird sense ; 

Remember that 'n' you'll have no "roast" or matri- 
monial stew, 

'N' you'll find life's worth th' livin', too, while 
you're a passin' thro'. 

"Experience, only, is th' teacher a fool will listen 

to"— 
Of course, friend, that does not mean me; of course' 

it doesn't mean you. 
But of course it must mean some one, tho' no one, 

of course, knows who, 
'N' that's why, of course, th' *'dern fool period" 

men keep on a passin' thro'. 



THE HONEYMOON. 

[To Comrade Geo. Rice.] 

Seated at the table which was spread with viands 
rare. 

"Now, George," said she, ''one dish would just com- 
plete the bill of fare!" 

"One more," said George, "what could we have to 
make it still more nice?" 

She laughingly replied: "How would you like a 
little Rice?" 

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AMERICA'S SHORE. 

*Twas a morning in May 
That my ship sail'd away 

From the dear Httle isle of my birth; 
How my head it did whirl 
As my rosy-cheek'd girl 

Sought to cheer me with song and with mirth ; 
Aye, and many a boy 
Came to give me his joy, 

Father bless'd me again, o'er and o'er; 
Arrah, jewel — said he — 
Kape your heart light and free 

Whin away on America's shore! 

And there was another — 
Not sister, not brother — 

I long held in fondest embrace ; 
More dear than all other, 
My own loving mother. 

Whose warm tears I felt on my face ; 
Darlin' boy — said she — 
In strange lands ye'll be, 

Erin's Isle ye may never see more ; 
So a little spot, free, 
In your heart lave for me. 

Far away on America's shore ! 

45 



iFottp^jFitje ©elections 



Years have come, years have gone ; 
Time is still rolling on 

Bringing changes from day unto day ; 
My patriot father, 
My dear saint'd mother, 

Are spirits in world's far away; 
But the darlin' girl's mine. 
Boys and girls there are nine, 

And we hope to be bless'd with nine more ! 
We're as happy and snug 
As a bug in a rug. 

Hurrah for America's shore ! 



A CRAZY QUILT OF MODERN PLAYS. 

(Year 1899). 

"The Rogers Brothers in Central Park" 
"Flashes" "The Bowery After Dark;" 

"At the White Horse Tavern" "The Ameer" 
"Caught in the Web" "A Texas Steer;" 

"My Friend From India," "Kerry Gow," 
"Lost in London" "The Cuban Vow;" 

"Night Before Christmas" "Railroad Jack" 
"Side Tracked" "Sapho," "The Woman in Black;'' 

"At the Eleventh Hour" "Serenade" 
"The Girl in Red," "A Dangerous Maid!" 

46 



jfottg^JFiue S^electfoiiiS 



"That Girl," "Because She Loved Him So," 
"Taggs" "Faust," "The Man From Mexico;" 

"The Butterflies," "The Moth and the Flame" 
"At Gay Coney Island" — "Dangerous Game!" 

"The Katzenjammer Kids," "Next Door," 
"Caught in the Act" "The Commodore!" 

"The Gladiator," "Paul Kauvar," 

"Run on the Bank" "The Black Hussar;" 

"Tempest Tossed" "The Maneuvers of Jane" 
"Over the Fence" "Down in Maine;" 

"Through the Breakers" "A Wise Guy" 
"Drifted Apart" "The Colonel and I;" 

"The Plunger" "Under the City Lamps" 
"Kidnaped" "The Rivals"— "A Pair of Tramps;" 

"A Southern Gentleman" "Struck Gas" 

"Too Rich to Marry" "The Lancashire Lass;" 

"Sis Hopkins" "The Maid of the Mill" 
"On the Wabash" "Farm, on the Hill;" 

"A Breezy Time"— "The Midnight Alarm" 
"Sowing the Wind" "Down on the Farm!" 

"On the Stroke of 12" "The Midnight Bell" 
"Called Back" "My Sweetheart," "Nugget Nell;" 

47. 



JFottg==jFit)e ©elections: 



"A Wife in Pawn" 'Two Nights in Rome"— 
"The Irish Pawn Brokers" "Under the Dome;" 

"Her Majesty"— "Real Widow Brown" 

"In the Palace of the King," "Shanty Town;" 

"A Lady of Quality"— "Nell Gwynn"— 
"The Star Boarder" "At Red Cat Inn;" 

"A Misfit Marriage"— "Old Arkansaw," 
"Becky Sharp," "My Daughter-in-Law ;" 

"A Ride for Life!" "A Merry Chase!" 
"A Fugitive" "Woman in the Case;" 

"What Happened to Jones" "Runaway Wife?" 
"A Rag Baby," "A Wasted Life!" 

"The Charity Ball," "Woman and Wine," 
"The Devil's Auction!" "The Devil's Mine!" 

[Grand Finale — Slow Fire and Red Music] 

"Santiago!" "Egypta!" 

"Quo Vadis!" "FrouFrou!" 
"All Aboard" "The White Squadron"— 

"Ulysses," "Shaun Rhue!" 
"Across the Pacific" — 

"The Golden Horse Shoe" — ' 
"Uncle Sam in China !" 

"Red, White and Blue!" 
48 



jFortg^Jfiue ©elections 



"WAR IS HELL." 

Old "Uncle Billy" Sherman gave that sentence to 

the world 
As he watch'd the armies' awful clash when 'gainst 

each other hurl'd ; 
Courageous as a lion — he'd a tender heart as well — 
And with a look of pain he turn'd, exclaiming 

"War is hell !" 

War and hell — twin devils — and 'twas Satan caused 

their birth ; 
He hatch'd the pair in Eden and he sent them o'er 

the earth; 
And now "their name is legion," 'round imperial 

thrones they dwell ; 
E'en domestic peace they turn to war — "sweet 

home" to bitter hell ! 

Legislators hasten war in legislative halls; 

With war-like speeches in their war-like legislative 

brawls ; 
Ne'er had they "a taste of war," of powder not a 

smell — 
War talk may be a heaven, but war fighting is a 

hell! 

49 



4fortg==JFit)e ©elections 



War is nothing ghastly to the office-seeking cliques ; 
The parasites and leeches which infest our politics; 
For gain and glory they would e'en their country's 

honor sell — 
Vultures care but little whether war is heaven or 

hell! 

A standing army — they proclaim — a navy we will 

build! 
Intimidate all Europe, or its blood will all be spill'd ; 
We'll "grab" the coaling stations if the natives will 

not sell ; 
We must have coal to start the fires and enginery 

of hell ! 

To China we'll send missionaries — we will "give 'em 

Watts"— 
The same to Patagonians and swarthy Hottentots; 
Our doctrines they'll accept or we will sound their 

funeral knell ! 
We'll give them our Christianity, or give them war 

and hell! 

Tho' men say they've no knowledge of a heaven or 

of God; 
Of "nothing sure but taxes," and a grave beneath 

the sod; 
While war has agitators planning death by shot 

and shell, 
No doubt exists that there is both a devil and a hell ! 

50 



JFortp'Jfiiie ©elections 



War's tocsin-sound is music to the cold vain-glori- 
ous man 

Who poses as the hero of the forces in the van; 

And who would pomp and glory win no matter what 
befell, 

E'en tho' he sent ten thousand men into "the jaws 
of hell!" 

"Peace on earth, good will toward men" — our Lin- 
coln did proclaim — 

"Let us have peace," said General Grant, and Lee, 
too, said the same ; 

God frowns on all oppressors, but he smiles on men 
like Tell, 

Who with an arrow would have sent a tyrant home 
to hell! 

If you would know what war is, ask "the man be- 
hind the gun;" 

Don't ask the man who fights behind the desk at 
Washington ; 

With patriotic war whoops he the enemy would 
quell ; 

Such patriotism's fuel for the fires of war and hell ! 

Let those who'd learn what war is, ask the men in 

blue and gray; 
The men who march'd and fought and starved ; ask 

and hear what men will say, 
Who languish'd long as captives in a loathesome 

prison cell; 
Like their old' commander, Sherman, they will tell 

you "War is hell!" 

51 



iFortg^^jftoe ©elections 



Ask the stricken, struggling widow, by stern war 

left here alone; 
Ask the mother of the boy w^hose far-off grave is 

marked ''unknown;" 
Ask the orphans of the father who in war's wild 

carnage fell; 
And the falling tear-drops, silently, will answer 

*'War is hell!" 



HE KISSED HER ON THE BALCONY. 

Quoth the Atlanta Journal : 

"Ah, can I tell— alack! 
He kissed her on the balcony, 

I-saw-her-kiss-him-back !" 

Did you expect to see her first 

Give him a rousing smack, 
And kiss him on the balcony 

Then see-him-kiss-her-back? 

If kisses are a novelty 

To you, come North and live 
Where you'll be smothered with them — 

n sweet ones you can give! 

Let me give you a pointer, tho' ; 

Don't come here from the South 
And kiss her on the balcony 

But kiss her on the mouth! 

52 



JFottP'JfitJe Selectfotts 



IZ MARRIAGE A FAILURE? 

Iz marriage a failure? Meself ought to know! 
I've tried it foive times, an' bedad I k'n show 
That wid me 'twas a failure, a shwindle, a chate ! 
Foive toimes I got matched — not onct got a mate! 

The foorst wan I married, she called me her 

"honey," 
An' the nixt thing, av coorse, she call'd for me 

money ! 
Iv'ry cint I gev, shure's me name it is Dan — 
A failure? She skipped wid a handsomer man. 

The nixt wan I married — I thought I'd be funny 
So I gev her me heart, thinkin' she'd give me 

money — 
A failure was it? Wid shwindlin' intint 
She bro't me to me sinses, but bro't not a cint! 

The nixt wan I married, didn't marry at all 
An' 'shtead of a roise meself took a fall ! 
At the weddin' the bride says: *'Meself's not in- 
clined 
To be changin' me name," so she chang'd her mind. 

Nixt I married a fam'ly — me wife an' her mother, 
Her father, nine sisters an' big lazy brother! 

53 



jfortg^JFitje S)election0 



Shure me house was a roost for ould aunts and 

young cousins. 
But a failure it was whin their friends kem be 

dozens ! 

Nixt I troid a "new woman" — latest improved, 
"Up-to-date" she was, an' in society moved — ■ 
'Twas a failure, of coorse, for meself did oppose 
Her ridin' my cibycle, wearin' my clothes ! 

I dramed I wint down below — saw Brigham Young, 
Wid his sixty woives, an' aich woife wid her 

tongue ! 
"A failure," sez he, as he danced in the oven, 
"Marriage sint me to heav — " No, he didn't say 

heaven ! 

In Eden's garden liv'd Adam, a prosperous man, 
Till he married Miss Eve, thin the failures began! 
Adam rais'd Abel ; Abel rais'd grain ; 
Eve rais'd the apples ; the divil "rais'd Cain !" 

Green apples, poor Adam got — summer an' fall — 
Dried apples she fed him in winther ; that's all ; 
"It's a failure!" sez Adam, "I bid yez good bye; 
Can't digest ye'r apples, an' so I'll jest die!" 

So, ye see, marriage bro't the "original sin;" 

An' since that toime marriage a failure has been — 

Shure the truth I musht shpake, tho' I mane t' be 

civil. 
It's a failure wid iv'ry wan, 'ceptin' the divil! 

5^ 



JFortP'Jfitie S)eIection$ 



Q— EEN OF Q— INCY. 

She lived in Q — incy, near park "Riverview ;'* 

He worked on the railroad — the C, B. and Q — 

Plighted, betrothed, with love inQrable, 

Billing and cooing, of course, exQsable; 

Loving as Qbebs — no, Qbans, I mean; 

She called him her Qpid, he called her Q — een; 

And gossipers ventured the acOsation 

The lovers were guilty of osQlation, 

And kisses, they said, were ''so conspicQous," 

[Gossipers got none, and so 'twas ridicQlous!] 



Q — een was acute with aQmination, 
Bookkeeper by birth — I mean ocQpation — 
For a peanut vender — no, specQlator — 
Nuts roasted, not hatched, in an inQbator; 
Figures and books, of course, kept acQrate, 
Q — een's own figure, in fact, was immacQlate; 
Qbiform — no, don't exactly mean that — 
But cirQlar, like aQcurbit, not flat; 
Her hair? Well, it was a Qpreous hue, 
And braided, or switched, like a Chinaman's Q; 
Fair was her Qticle, softer than silk, 
QtiQra she used in a Qpel of milk. 

55 



JFottg'Jfitje Selectiong 



The peanut department's not calQlated 
To show up vast fortunes acQmulated, 
From a viewpoint merely peQniary 
The stipend is more in the Qlinary; 
But 'twas her Qpidity, plain to be seen, 
That her vacQous head — no, heart, I mean- 
Should only by Qpid be ocQpied, 
And the wedlock knot by the Qrate be tied; 
So the kitchen Q — een evacOated — 
The kitchen! where Qpid reQperated 
With an appetite simply herQlean, 
At least, not dainty, and not epiQrean — 
Nature, 'tis argued, abhors a vacQum, 
Qpid made barbeQs his curricQlum ; 



Noisy in speech, and rather oracQlar — 
No one could tell or guess the vernacQlar, 
Not an expert eloQtionist, he, 
Yet he'd speak with great perspiQity; 
But in colloQtion, 'twas often stated. 
His words were shot, or ejacQlated; 
MusQlar frame, and rather merQrial ; 
Qbits like wedges, that is, shaped Qneal ; 
Cool as a Qcumber — foremost was he 
In joQlar jibes and in quick repartee; 
You'll think it is Qrious, yet it is true, 
He was quite an expert with the billiard Q; 
He'd use it with perfect gesticQlation, 
And prove it by ocQlar demonstration; 
Most miracQlous exeQtion had he — 
Say! I'll stop, or I'll maQ execute me! 

56 



JFortP'jFftie ©elections 



ril just say — For the license Qpid soon went 
And returned to Q — een with the docQment; 
Married? Yes, but Q — een's now living aloof. 
For he rented a Qpola up on a roof; 
Such obsQrity Q — een objects to, of course — 
Now she's proseQting a suit for divorce ! 
She's not suited, she says, with her perseQtor, 
'Twould suit her to have a more suitable suitor. 



ADAM DAMM OF YUBA DAM. 

Yuba Dam had abundance of water; 

Adam Damm kept the mill by the hill, 
With his wife, his son Jack and his daughter. 

And the whole Damm family 'cept Bill. 

A mill's often seen by a hillside — 

As a sheep's oft seen by a lamb's side — ' 

There's always a dam by a mill side, 
Not always a mill by a dam side. 

A storm, like a battering ram, 
Swept over the top of that hill; 

The cyclone tore down the mill dam 

Then turned and tore up the Damm mill ! 

Damm wrote to his oldest son, Bill — 
''None are worth less now. Bill, than I am, 

For the dam's wrecked and not worth a mill, 
And I don't think the mill's worth a dam.'* 

57 



ifottp'jFitJe ©elections 



WHAT IS LOVE? 

You will oft hear people ask 

''What is love? What is love?" 

'Tis found to be no easy task 

To answer — ''What is love?" 

Tho' quite ready with reply, 

In the twinkling of an eye 

You're puzzled, and you can't tell why- 
Then you ask, "What is love?" 

I asked the miser millionaire — 

"What is love? What is love?" 

If to me he would declare 
What constituted love? 

"The pleasure I derive," said he, 

"In massing- gold and property; 

To take, but not to give — you see? 
Ah ! That, sir, that is love !" 

I asked the gay golf-playing girl, 
"What is love? What is love?" 

In society's swim and whirl 

Pray tell me, what is love? 

"O! don't you know? It's perfect bliss! 

To be engaged — and — well, it's this: 

To promenade, and talk, and kiss. 
And — that's all; that is love!" 

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JFottp^Jfitje ©elections 



I asked the up-to-date young' man, 

"What is love? What is love?" 
"Tell you ? Well, you bet I can, 

This is real true love; 
To call upon my girl so sweet. 
And in the door her dad to meet 
And then to be kicked in the street. 
Say! I know v^hat is love !" 

"Affection for whate'er is pleasing-," 

Webster says, is love; 
Billing, cooing, kissing, squeezing, 

That's what some call love ; 
And so they think and so they say, 
And I, no doubt, know less than they; 
Yet I will tell you, if I may. 

What I consider love. 

The trust which Pythias gave his friend ; 

That is love! That is love! 
You'll see real love o'er cradle bend — 

A mother's perfect love! 
The wife, who, for her children's sake — 
Tho' heart will ache and health may break- 
Clings to a worthless, soulless rake! 

That, I believe, is love. 

Love thy father ; love thy mother ; 
Love thy good name more than pelf — 
Love thy sister ; love thy brother ; 
"Love thy neighbor as thy self." 

59 



ifortp^JFitje S)election0 



MY MOTHER WAS MY SWEETHEART. 

You tell me you've a sweetheart, Tom, and ask if 

I've the same; 
The sweetest girl in all the world, you say, will take 

your name; 
You praise her many virtues ; she is sweet sixteen, 

you say; 
Her eyes are bright, her teeth are white, cheeks like 

the rose in May. 

Well, I once had a sweetheart, Tom, the dearest one 

on earth; 
And I was her true lover from the hour of my 

birth ; 
We'd always been together; we had never been 

apart — 
Dear Tom, I have no sweetheart now; I have a 

broken heart ! 

Instead of sweet sixteen, she'd be just sixty-one, 

to-day ; 
There were no roses on her cheeks, her hair was 

silv'ry gray; 
Old age had dimmed her eye, but it had filled her 

heart with love — 
My mother was my sweetheart, Tom; she's now in 

worlds above. 

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JFottp^Jfto @)election0 



JOHN PITT'S TACK. 

(To Capt. John Pitt Stack.)' 

Say, pard, that John Pitt's a great lad. 
He's chock full o' mischief, is "Jack," 

Playin' tricks on his dad 

Till he gets him that mad — 
D'ye 'member that trick o' the tack? 

The ole man couldn't set in a chair 
Fer a week — couldn't lay on his back ! 

At his meals he'd stand there 

At the table and swear — 
Throwin' cuss words at John and that tack. 

He wer' holdin' a tack 'gainst the wall, 
An' he hammer'd his thumb such a whack 

That he dropped tack an' all 

An' fer John he did bawl. 
An' he tole him to hunt fer the tack. 

Well, they look'd fer that tack high an' low. 
Finally John foun' it hid in a crack, 

But he didn't say so. 

An' say, pard, d'ye know. 
On a chair that young imp put ther tack ! 
6i 



jfortp^JFitje ©elections; 



Well, the ole man he look'd ev'rywhere, 
An' he cussed till ther air it was black, 
An' at last in despair 
Set down slam in ther chair — 
Eh? Yes, he foun' John Pitt's tack! 



DRAMATIC PICTURES. 

ACT I. 

He listens to merry companions ; 
He yields to temptation and soon 
The "good fellow" makes his appearance 
Before the bar of the saloon. 

ACT II. 

And step by step he is led downward 
To scenes of riotous sport, 
Till at last he's a drunkard, appearing 
Before the bar of the court. 

ACT III. 

Ah, his was most promising talent ; 
To heights of fame he might have risen- 
Third act — he's a culprit appearing 
Before the bars of the prison. 

ACT IV. 

Last picture — the play is now ended 
And the player is laid 'neath the sod; 
Slow curtain — he is now appearing 
Before the bar of his God! 
62 



ifottP'JFitie S)eIection0 



THE OLD BRASS CANNON. 

Tho' it speaks but one word, 
How the heart-beats are stirr'd 

When by that word silence is broken ; 
By old comrades 'tis heard 
Like a note of song-bird, 

When by the old cannon 'tis spoken. 

From its belching- brass throat 
Thunders forth but one note, 

And our flag to the breeze is unfurl'd; 
To flaunt, flutter, and float, 
Gleam, glimmer, and gloat 

O'er the gun sounding peace to the world. 

When "Old Sol" puts to flight 
The drear darkness of night. 

The old cannon salutes the first ray 
Of the sun's morning light — 
Hails with seeming delight 

The old flag, the "old vet," the new day. 

The flag ceases to wave ; 

The gun speaks bold and brave 

At sunset : A day nearer the sod 
Is the life which He gave, 
A day nearer the grave. 

Old soldier — a day nearer God ! 

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FISH WENT A NIGGERIN\ 

It am de truf ahm tellin, sah — 'twuz down in ole 

Kaintuck. — 
Him's name wuz Eph'm Buckley, folkses call'd 'm 

Uncle Buck; 
Him bery 'ligious nigger, read er Bible eb'ry day, 
'N Sund'y preach de Gospil till de niggers shout 'n 

pray; 
Him sed him swaller'd eb'ry Bible story cep'n one, 
iWhen Jonah sed he swaller'd whale he sed dat jes' 

in fun — 
Ole Uncle Buck fo't him wuz sho' 'nuf fishe'man 

heself, 
But dat fish story Jonah tell'd laid his'n on er shelf! 
Wun day him don' gone fishin' when it sho' wuz 

pow'ful hot, 
Him fell t' sleep er waitin' fo' de "bite" him didn't 

got ; 
*N would yo' blieve, a catfish dat weigh'd more'n er 

hunderd pound 
Jes' grab dat hook n' pull 'm in 'n Uncle Buck wuz 

drown'd ! 
Ef Jonah didn't swallow whale he didn' hab de 

luck 
Dat dat Mis'sippi catfish had, he swallowed Uncle 

Buck! 

64 



jfDttg^Jfitje @)electiott0 



'N folkses cain't tole whether, sah, wiv all deir furse 

'n figurin', 
Dat nigger went er fishin' or dat fish it went er 

niggerin' ! 



TWO SIDES TO A STORY. 

There were three of them talking quite loud; 
**Will ye's listen to me ?" said the Colonel — 

''What I say, d'ye mind, 

Is the truth, for ye'll find 
Twas so shtated in yisterday's Journal." 

*'l tell ye 'tis false as ould Nick!"— 
Thus spoke the bold Sergeant McFigg — - 

"Jist lave me relate 

That the shtory complate 
This mornin' was tould in the Whig." 

"Arrah, g'on out o' that wid yer lies!" 
Was then shouted by Captain Fitzgerald ; 

*T know I am right 

For 'twas only last night 
I was readin' the same in The Herald." 

"Two sides to a story" — said I 

To the Captain, the Sergeant and Colonel — 

"And there's nothing so blind 

As a prejudiced mind ; 
Read The Herald, the Whig and the Journal." 

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JFottp^JFitje Selections 



THE DRUMMER BOY. 

Assembly call — the volunteers keep step to tap of 

drum; 
With its rat — tat — rat tat tum; 
Fathers, mothers, sweethearts, wives and neighbors 

all have come ; 
There are sobs and tears 
There are shouts and cheers, 
And there's playing on the drum. 

Assembly call — 'Tall in!" 'Tis now the long roll 

of the drum; 
From a far-off battlefield is heard the cannon's roar 

and hum; 
The tents are "struck," the camp is "broke," each 

comrade and his chum 
Are side by side 
And forward stride 
To the "quickstep" of the drum. 

At head of column, the drummer boy now proudly 

beats the drum; 
He is in the van while marching with a step both 

firm and plumb ; 
Defiant look and flashing eye — not sullen, he's not 

glum — 

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JFottp^JFiUe ©elections 



A thousand men 

Are following then 

And he leads them with his drum. 

At last they reach the conflict, and the rattle of the 

drum 
Is mingled with the cannon's roar and burst of 

shrieking bomb ! 
The musket balls, like swarming bees, are singing 

zip and zum! 
"Forward — steady !" 
No one more ready 
Than the boy who beats the drum. 

The "double-quick ;" the cheer, the charge ; and the 

clatter of the drum! 
The sense of fear by the awful shock is rendered 

dull and numb; 
Ere to the foe he'll yield — brave boy — he'll e'en to 

death succumb ; 
Moaning, sighing. 
Groaning, dying. 
And silent is the drum. 

A comrade lifts him tenderly; head resting on his 
drum; 

Water? Yes, lad; drink this; thank God, my can- 
teen yet has some — 

Too late; he's dead; and his innocent life they must 
add to the struggle's sum! — 

There, in one grave 

They laid the brave 

Young drummer and his drum. 

€>7. 



JFottg'JFitje ©elections 



THE TWO EXTREMES. 



As graceful as the fairy's form seen in a pleasant 

dream ; 
Her breath is like the perfume of the flower; 
Her eyes speak joy and gladness, like the smiling, 

heavenly beam 
Of sunlight seen at morning's twilight hour! 
Peaceful is her soul and mind and guileless is her 

heart ; 
Like the nectarine her lip with honey's laden — 
Twould be my weal to win her, ah ! 'twould be my 

woe to part 
With this loving, sweet, but teasing little maiden. 

2. 

She's hideous as a nightmare or a fearful, frightful 
dream ! 
She's soulless as the artificial flower! 
Her tongue — *'hung in the middle" — labors like a 
''walking beam," 
Or an engine running sixty miles an hour! 
She retails all the gossip — she's ''learned it all by 
heart"— 
Her mind with all the latest scandal's laden — 
O, no ! she's not the devil, she is but his counterpart : 
His mischief-making, meddlesome old maiden ! 
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JFottP'JFitJe ©elections 



DE BLACK MAN'S BIRD'N. 
[A parody on 'Take up the White Man's Burden."] 

Yes, sah ! took up de white man's "bird" 

'N be shu' y' ain't took up y'se'f ! 
'N I done tole 'n' gib y' mah word, 

Ef yo doan took yo gwine t' git lef. 

De good Lawd He helps dem folks 
Dat done helps demselves heah below, 

'N' ef de ''bird" doan come when y' coax, 
Den took up de "bird" 'n' git 'n go! 

When de "bird" 'n' de "chick" roost high, 
'Stead o' up y' jist got t' took 'm down; 

De "turk" he git 's high 's he kin fly, 
'N' den he keeps 'n eye lookin' roun'. 

I heerd dat our ole Uncle Sam 

Hab took up de whole 'Cific ocean ; 
He say "cann'd beef ain't wuth a — ham !" 

'N' he'll took up all dat jes' suits his notion. 

Long 'go he took de bird, 'n' he took up 

De flag, de "Glory ob de free." 
De eagle am de bird, 'n' ef yo look up 

De stars 'n' de stripes you all'll see ! 

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JFortp'jfiDe @)election0 



"Bird 'n' er ban's wuth two 'n' er bush." 

So Ise gwine ter took de bird 'n' took 'im quick ! 

Ise gwine ter git er move on 'n' git in ''de push," 
'N' lead er trump cyard, took de bird 'n' took de 
trick. 



BLENDING THE BLUE AND GRAY. 

'Tis the peaceful hour of evening 

At the setting of the sun ; 
'Tis the silent night approaching 

At the closing of the day — 
Who can trace the twilight's blending, 

Where 'tis ended where begun? 
Wondrous! grandest work of nature, 

Mingling of the blue and gray. 

And my thoughts turn from this picture 

To the ''Military Home," 
Where the hoary heads of vet'rans 

Whiter grow from day to day; 
Clothed in God's own chosen colors. 

The two bright tints of heaven's dome! 
'Tis the twilight of life's sunset — 

Mingling of the blue and gray. 

From this scene my rev'rie wanders 

Back to eighteen sixty-one — 
North and South divided, struggling 

In war's fierce and grim array ! 
70 



JFortp^Jfitie ^election^ 



Brother 'gainst a brother battling. 

Father fighting 'gainst a son ; 
Civil strife, prolonged, terrific! 

Northern Blue 'gainst Southern Gray. 

Evening on the field of battle, 

Strewn with dying and with dead, 
Night its mantle spreads while blushing 

O'er the carnage of the day! 
Roar and clash of conflict ended. 

Sighs and moans and groans instead — • 
Death, at twilight, re-united 

*'Yank" and "Reb," and blue and gray. 

"Time works wonders" — true old adage — 

Truer still that "Time tries all!" 
Time erased all bitter hatred ; 

Time swept sectional strife away. 
Northern, Southern, white-haired soldiers. 

After 'Taps," at Death's roll call. 
May God's reveille blend and mingle 

Fed'ral blue, Confed'rate gray. 



DOT GOOD OLT PUMP. 

Go sing some vere else bond "dot olt oaken booket,*' 
Dond shpeak boud "der dipper dot hangs by der 
sink;" 

Ven my troat vas got dry how I used to yust dook it 
Out py dot olt pump und vould vet it mit drink. 

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JFortP'JFitje Selections 



Oxcursions und bicnics last summer vas blenty; 
Dey pring- deir loonch paskets full oop, und I 
dink 
Den dimes oud oph nine, 'bout nineteen oud oph 
dwenty 
Got thirsdiness gwenched py dot pump mit a 
drink. 

Und some oph der girls vas drink sex dimes or 
sefen; 
Prosperations oud oph deir false curls dook der 
kink; 
Yah, some coom so much dimes as eight or elefen; 
Der more dey prospire, veil, der more dey vould 
drink. 

Vot peautiful vomans vas coom py dot pump, 
Und dey shmile a big shmile und der oder eye 
vink; 
I feel mine heart thump mine righd side mit a bump 
Ven dose lofely girls py dot olt pump took a 
drink. 

So hellup me gracious, dot hantle dey hustle, 

I vonder der pump dond vas dry oop und shrink ! 

Der mens und der vomens dewelop deir muscle 
Mit crowdin' und shqueezin' und pumpin' und 
drink. 

Dot pump nefer gif der men's breath a loud shmell; 
Yet ven dey hear bottles und glasses go "clink!" 

72 



ifortp^Jfitoe S)eIection0 



Some men's pass der pump und go on down to — 
veil, 
Dose blaces vot dond keep some vater to drink. 

A man lose his senses, his money, his health, 

Oph he gwench all his thirst dere at olt "ruin's 
brink;" 
Bud Nature vould lead him to long life und wealth 
Oph he shtick to der pump und took Nature's own 
drink. 



NO HARM IN A GLASS OF WHISKY: 

No harm in a glass of whisky? 
Quite right ; your assertion is true ; 
And a man would be blind — 
Lack a well-balanced mind — 
If he failed to agree with you. 

No harm in a glass of whisky? 

None at all ; but alack and alas ! 

How often we see — 

As you will agree — 

That there's harm in the empty glass! 

No harm in a glass of whisky? 

No; and don't let it pass 

From the glass to your lip; 

In the whisky you sip 

There is harm, not that in the glass. 

7Z 



jFortg'jFitje ©elections; 



"THE SWORD OF THE KING/* 

Please, papa, do tell 
Why brave Warren fell? 

Why armies of men fight and kill? 
Why precious as gold 
Is the sword that you hold; 

Is't the sword of Bunker Hill? 

My boy, 'twas the right 
'Gainst the power and might 

Of oppression and tyranny's fling! 
'Twas the sword, my son, 
Drawn by Washington 

Against the sword of the King! 



HIS BIBLE AND HIS PIPE. 

*'I want to be an angel and with the angels stand" — 
Pipe and tobacco in my mouth — '' a harp within my 

hand." 
The picture may not so strike you; but, sir, to me 

it seems 
That properly it might be called the "meeting of 

extremes." 

74 



jFottp'jfiDe @)election0 



Tho' I'm of the opinion that 'tis equally absurd 
To sit and suck a filthy pipe while pondering o'er 

"God's word !" 
**The sublime is but a step from the ridiculous?'* 

that's true ; 
A Bible and a pipe makes that quotation plain to 

you. 
A Christian man, you say, does what Christ taught 

mankind to do; 
Well, did He use tobacco? Did He either smoke 

or chew? 
Cleanliness, you know, is next to Godliness, 'tis said ; 
A filthy pipe, then, must be next to devilishness, in- 
stead. 
The smoker of a pipe will give your nerves their 

greatest shock, 
While talking to you with a breath so foul 'twould 

stop a clock! 
When he has smoked himself to death and starts for 

''t'other shore," 
Will he take that pipe to Heaven? Smoke it there 

forever more ? 
Or, will he leave the pipe on earth and go — with 

rapid pace — 
Eternally to smoke with smokers in that other 

place ? 
When — at th' gate — he's questioned, will his record 

look all right 
If he then fills the foul old pipe and asks St. Peter 

for a light? 
Will he smoke when he's an angel, and scratch 

matches on his wings, 

75 



jFottp*4Fitje Selections; 



While playing on a golden harp that has a thousand 

strings ? 
If Heaven's fumigated with an old pipe's smoke and 

smell, 
Give me the sulphur, brimstone, and the smokeless 

fumes of hell! 



MY BONNIE LASS. 

Silken tresses soft and light; 

Eyes like twin stars twinkling bright; 

Teeth like pearls, so pure and white; 

My Bonnie Lass; 
Brow as fair as falling snow; 
Lips as red as cherries grow ; 
The sweetest, dearest maid I know 

Is Bonnie Lass ; 
Hear the voice with laughter ring — 

Of Bonnie Lass; 
Merry as a bird in spring 

Is Bonnie Lass ; 
Patient, gentle, loving, true — 
Aye, and independent, too — 
All my trust I give to you 

My bonnie lass. 

I have roam'd thro' many climes; 
Many maidens many times 
Hearken'd to my tuneful rhymes 
My bonnie lass; 

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iFottg^jFitie ©elections 



Southern type of beauty rare; 
Daughters of the North so fair — 
Ah ! None could my heart ensnare 

'Cept Bonnie Lass.' 
"Souls with but a single thought/* 

Sweet Bonnie Lass; 
"Hearts that beat as one" is sought 

By Bonnie Lass — 
Heavenly angels be thy guide, 
Morn, and noon and eventide ; 
Happiness with thee abide 

My bonnie lass. 



THE PLANET MARS. 

Sail on, Old Neptune, thro' infinite space; 

Sail on, like a ship mann'd by gallant jacktars; 
Sail on, and still on, strive not to keep pace 

With retrograde tactics of man-o'-war Mars. 

Roll on, old Jupiter — satellites four — 

A retinue grander than king's or a czar's; 

Roll on, great ''Jove,'' let your thunderbolts roar! 
The voice of God speaking to Earth and to Mars. 

A ride patriotic was brave Paul Revere's ; 

A chivalrous dash was the young Lochinvar's; 
But the zodiac's course has been — millions of years, 

The arena of conquests by warrior Mars. 

77, 



JFottg^JFtoe §)election0 



With lightning speed wing-footed Mercury flies, 
Encirding "Old Sol," and his sunspots and scars; 

While Venus — most beautiful gem of the skies — 
The goddess of love salutes god-of-war Mars. 

Astronomy! Wonderful, glorious theme! 

The heavenly gateway — the pathway of stars ; 
That man truly finds the great Being Supreme 

Who seeks Him thro' knowledge of Earth and 
of Mars. 

Let the skeptical man look at Saturn's bright rings ; 

The phases of Venus; ''Jove's" belts and broad 
bars — 
Astronomy ! God's choicest blessing it brings — 

Revealing to Earth e'en the secrets of Mars. 



MIXIN' THE MICKS. 

[Humorously inscribed to Miss Alice B. James.] 

The ingagement wos foorst, sor, delayed by hersilf ; 

An' himsilf now delays annexation; 
Hersilf an' her brother Jim, sor, does be twins, 
An' their names, 'tis, thot gives him vexation ! 
Should James be Alice 
He'd thin feel no malice — 
Tho' th' twins had been mixed wid their names — 
But th' weddin' day fixed, 
Faith himsilf would be mix'd 
Intirely, should Alice B. James ! 

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jFortg^jFitie ©elections 



"REMEMBER THE MAINE." 

"Remember the Maine!" How the watchword re- 
sounds 

From mountain, from valley and plain; 
And 'twill ring and re-echo till victory crowns 

The avengers; "Remember the Maine." 

Two hundred and sixty-six martyrs met death 
Thro' coward-like treachery of Spain; 

And the men of our navy will yield their last breath 
In avenging the fate of the Maine. 

The mothers whose hearts are now stricken with 
grief; 

The sisters whose brothers were slain, 
And the wives whose anguish will know no relief, 

All cry out, "Remember the Maine !" 

Shall we stifle that cry? Shall we turn a deaf ear? 

Shall it plead to our honor in vain? 
A hundred and twenty-five thousand appear 

And respond, "No! Remember the Maine!'* 

While a cherish'd memory of father and mother 

Our soldiers and sailors retain; 
While a brother remembers a faithful brother 

"Our boys" will remember the Maine. 

79 



iFottg==JFit)e ©elections 



The initial blow, struck by the flagship *'New York," 
Showered shell on Matanzas like rain; 

And in history naught will be sought or be wanted 
To prove he remembered the Maine. 

Commodore Dewey, with courage undaunted, 
Dealt death and destruction to Spain ; 
With that parting shot, **One for the Maine!" 

And the monitor "Puritan" finished the work 

Our loyal and royal ''jack tars" at Manila, 
Like heroes faced death with disdain; 

To "the bottom" they then sent the Spanish flotilla 
And shouted, "Remember the Maine !" 

White-haired old soldiers, in blue and in gray, 
Feel their blood coursing every vein; 

If roll-call now sounds for the old vet'rans they 
Will answer — Remember the Maine! 



MY TOAST— FRIENDSHIP. 

Real friendship is man's greatest blessing, indeed; 
'Tis a curse when betray'd by cold avarice and 

greed ! 
Of a true friend I'll think, I'll speak, and I'll boast; 
Of a false one I'll — well, I'll give him my toast — 
Here's champagne 

To my real friends. 
And real pain 

To my sham friends ! 
3o 



JFottp^JFitje Selections 



Men are not what they seem at all times, 'tis true ; 
That, of course, does not mean either me or you! 
A friendship that's true should be valued the most — 
To friends that are false should be tender'd this 
toast— 

If your friend you would keep, don't beg", and don't 

borrow ; 
And lend him to-day if you'd lose him to-morrow; 
Materialized, friendship is oft but a ghost, 
Not even as sound as the sense of my toast — 

The friendship of Damon — O, glorious name! 
Friendship of Pythias, eternal its fame! 
Their praises are sung by God's heavenly host! 
Remember their friendship, remember my toast — 

Do unto others as you'd have others do, 
Till you find others doing their best to "do" you ; 
Then do as I do — give such friends a clear coast ; 
First give them a blessing, then give them this 
toast — 

The man who'll buy friendship — the man who will 

sell- 
Will occupy quarters in hottest of hell! 
There Satan will give them his devilish roast, 
While imps chant in chorus the words of my toast — 
Here's champagne 

To my real friends, 
And real pain 

Tg my sham friends! 
8i 



JFattp^JFitie ©elections 



MAUD AND HER NANNY GOAT. 

While milking the nanny Maud loudly did scream, 
"You brute! You're too utterly utter! 

Wish you and your old milk would both turn to 
cream!" 
And the goat turn'd, but turned to butt her. 

Maud turned — not to butt, but to ''git"; to "make a 
sneak" : 
But the butter butt in to make trouble; 
Maud was butted — struck dumb — poor Maud 
couldn't speak 
But could "see stars," not single but double! 

"Her name it was Maud," but she then looked like 
mad! 
But again nanny "backed up" to butt her; 
"Now be good," cried Maud; but the goat, O, so 
bad! 
Butted Maud into mud in the gutter ! 

But Maud threw the milk-stool, and milk-bucket, 
too; 

Broke the butting goat's jaw when she struck it! 
Kicked it — not with a 4, but her No. 8 shoe — 

Then the goat kicked, but "kicked the bucket!" 

82 



JFottp^Jfitje Selections 



lONE, DOT LEEDLE TEASE. 

lone vas dree 
Years oldt, und she 
Vos shmart mit A, B, Cs; 
She shpeak dem all, 
Der big und shmall — 
lone, mine leedle tease ! 

Der first day she 
Shpeak A, B, C ; 
Der next, D, E, F, G; 
Der third she say 
H, I,J, K; 
Next, L, M, N, O, P. 

Der fifth, shpeak she 
Q, R, S, T; 

Den on der sixth U, V; 
Und in vun veek 
Dem all she shpeak, 
From A, vay down to Z. 

She's like dose fleas 

Und busy bees ; 

She dance und laugh und tease ; 

Mine nose she squeeze, 

Und makes me shneeze — 

Ach! Shoots me midt some peas! 

83 



iTortg^jfitoe S)election0 



She climb? der trees, 
She shteals mine keys 
Und ef'ryting she sees; 
Her fadder he's 
Got not mooch ease 
Mit dot big leedle tease! 

But ven dot tease 

Sits on mine knees, 

Den I forgot all dese; 

Ven efening breeze 

Plays mit der trees 

I play mit "Leedle Tease !'* 

Ve kiss, ve shqueeze — • 

Yah, bless her! She's 

Der best on land or seas ! 

Took beer, took cheese, 

Took all ! but please 

Leaf me mine "Leedle Tease!'* 



84 



DEC 29 1911 



One copy del. to Cat. Div. 



D(C 



